Parody: The whole transcript of Sam Allardyce meeting with undercover Daily Telegraph reporters!

Sam Allardyce

Exclusively, read the whole transcript Daily Telegraph undercover reporters made with Sam Allardyce!

This is the first time the public will read about the whole transcript Daily Telegraph reporters made with Sam Allardyce, which in effect lost Big Sam his England job.


Reporters: Hello.

Big Sam: Hello!

Reporters: We come from the land of Sokovia, and we are wondering if you would be our key note speaker for about £400.000?

Big Sam: Of course! If there’s any money involved, I am in. If you would pay me 2 pounds, I would dance on your lap and move my belly like those belly dancers. There’s a reason why I am a wheeler-dealer. So what would I be talking about?

Reporters: You would talk about how Premier League football has changed in recent years, due to enormous money involved!

Big Sam: No problem, I’ve been in Premier League since the start, and I know a whole lot about it. I can even give you some tips about it, if you pay me £5.

Reporters give the money

Reporters: What kind of tips?

Big Sam: Like how to get around those pesky third part ownership rules, how to get more money for yourself by doing nothing, and how Wayne Rooney is a chunky bloke who has to play, because of his name!

Reporters: Tell us about how to get around that third part ownership?

Big Sam: Nothing easier, just get a cut of the transfer fee and you’re set, if you are greedy enough, you can make all the problems disappear.

Reporters: Ok, so what about your England job?

Big Sam: Oh yeah, what about it?

Reporters: How is life now as an England manager?

Big Sam: Its great, I’m gonna get at least £3 million, for doing diddly squat. I mean England squad is in shambles and I can’t do anything about it. I can make farts with my armpit, but I can’t really do anything with this English wanker squad. They are probably going to sack me after world cup, but at least I will earn some money!

Reporters: Why do you think that England played so badly in the last EURO?

Big Sam: Well that Roy, Woy, Hoy, Doy screwed up everything. He didn’t have the balls to tell that Neville bloke to shut up, and he lost the plot. Frankly, I was happy that England lost, so that the fools at the FA appointed me.

Reporters: What is going to be your plan after England stint?

Big Sam: Probably going back to another Premier League, or Championship squad. Aston Villa’s project’s quite interesting. A lot of money to be earned, and even the British Royalty are supporting the club. You know that Prince Harry is a nutter, oh yes, a nutter. He shows his ass and everything.

Reporters: I think this will be all for now. We would just like to know how we should pay you the money?

Big Sam: As usual, bring it in paper bags. I will put some down my trousers, but everything else is going to go inside the tires of my car. Before we say goodbye, I would also like to say that you can hire me as your personal clown. I am very good at that, given that I am big and chubby, and I only charge £4 an hour.

Reporters: Ok, we will consider your clown offer. Goodbye for now.

Big Sam: Great, bye!