Parody: Arsene Wenger explains why he couldn’t sign Alexandre Lacazette!

Arsene Wenger

Arsene Wenger tried to sign Alexandre Lacazette, but in the end he failed to do so. We sat down with The Professor, and he gave us the explanation of this failed transfer saga in an exclusive interview!

Arsenal has finally signed two players. One is a defender (Skhodran Mustafi), and the other one is a striker (Lucas Perez). It wasn’t the players Arsenal fans hoped that the club would sign, but they were still reinforcements.

We sat down with Arsene Wenger, but didn’t talk about the new signings, but about the failed Lacazette signing!

The interview

Interviewer: “Hello, how are you?”

Wenger: “I am very good, thanks.

Interviewer: “I am here today to ask you about Arsenal’s failed attempt of signing Alexandre Lacazette!”

Wenger: “Really?

Interviewer: “Yes.”

Wenger: “Alright.

Interviewer: “So what went wrong? Why did Arsenal failed to sign Lacazette?”

Wenger: “Its a complicated story,..

Interviewer: “No problem, I have lots of time.”

Wenger: “Well, it all started when I was sitting in my office and staring at a wall, while playing with the cheapest marbles available (0.96£). I was thinking about my (Arsenal) striking options, and things just didn’t add up.

Interviewer: “What do you mean?”

Wenger: “Well, I just didn’t think we had enough firepower in attack. All we had was clumsy Ollie, injured Danny, and not-a-footballer Theo. I decided that we need someone who can play as a center forward, and not suck at it!

Interviewer: “So that’s why you wanted to sign Lacazette?”

Wenger: “Yes. I called Olympique Lyonnais’ public number and asked if I can sign Lacazette. Secretary. on the other side of the line. was kind of surprised, and gave me the number of Lyon’s president (Jean-Michel Aulas).

Interviewer: “So this was the first contact about actual Lacazette transfer?”

Wenger: “Yes. I talked with Aulas for a few minutes and we set up a meeting in Paris! We met there in an old house that had just one very dark room, with no windows. The dark room had only one table and two chairs. I sat on one chair, and Aulas set on the other one!

Interviewer: “This all sounds very scary.”

Wenger: “Yes, but the chairs and the table looked quite cheep, so I felt relaxed.

Interviewer: “So what happened next?”

Wenger: “Aulas told me, right of the bat, that sixty (60) is the number he is willing to let part ways with Alexandre Lacazette. I was shocked for a moment, but got composed after a few minutes. I said thirty (30), and Aulas just smiled. Aulas than repeated the same as before (60).

Interviewer: “How long did this last?”

Wenger: “Quite a while, but in the end we reached the same number, forty-five (45). A very tough negotiation, where I had a felling that I lost more than gain.

Interviewer: “What happened next?”

Wenger: “Well, I picked my wallet, and took out 45£. I gave the money to Aulas, and thought the deal was made. What happened next really shocked me. Aulas looked at me very seriously and said that he was talking about millions, millions I tell you. I have 599 employees and I am going to pay millions for some striker!?! I simply stood up, left the room, and the country.

Interviewer: “And that was that.”

Wenger: “Yes, that was that, and I haven’t spoken about Lacazette ever since!

The end of interview.

So, Wenger failed to sign Alexandre Lacazette due to a big difference in price. Wenger rated him for 45£ and Lyon’s president rated him for 45£ million. It was obvious that further negotiations were simply not necessary given the difference in pricing.

Lacazette is going to stay another season in Lyon, while Wenger has signed Lucas Perez instead. We will see if Lacazette will ever sign for Arsenal, but one doubts that his kind of deal will ever happen, at least until Arsene Wenger is the manager of Arsenal!